‘For in its innermost depths youth is lonelier than old age.’ I read this saying in some book and I’ve always remembered it, and found it to be true. Is it true then that grown-ups have a more difficult time here than we do? No. I know it isn’t. Older people have formed their opinions about everything, and don’t waver before they act. It’s twice as hard for us young ones to hold our ground, and maintain our opinions, in a time when all ideals are being shattered and destroyed, when people are showing their worst side, and do not know whether to believe in truth and right and God.
PS- an excerpt from ” The diary of a young girl ” by Anne Frank.
Sometimes when you are too close to things, It is hard to comprehend what is happening around you. In such situations step back a little and have a look at the larger picture or try to find a new, different perspective.
And sometimes death gives you a new perspective.
You don’t realise what you have been doing , why you have been doing unless you experience death in the most brutal manner and I believe that unpredictable and imminent death of who you were is necessary to lay the foundation stones of who you are and will be in the future.
Every time, every single time you feel you are not whole, that some of your parts are missing, that you lost them to somebody and that someday maybe somebody else will come back with those parts, looking for you to put those pieces back and make you whole ; just realise she’s watching you and taking care of you.
Just realise that you will never be alone for she will always be there for you. That she loves you for nothing and everything you are. That she is in relationship with you, have always been and will also always be. She is your only true love.
She is nobody but you yourself.
On some days it is all cloudy in my mind and all misty in front of my eyes, like these clouds are covering something, like this mist is here to steal something from me. And then it rains heavily from my eyes, when I realise that they’re here to take away my love – for myself.
And these tears are a proof that the cloud and the mist has succeeded in their mission -in taking away my self love – leaving behind only self hate. And on these days I curse myself for being me and only pray to dear lord that he didn’t hear it. That he didn’t hear me criticize his hard work and his lovely creation.
I write and think badly of myself and only hope that you don’t read it. And better don’t try to understand , because you won’t anyhow. Not everybody knows what it’s like to get drowned in the rains of self hate.
But I want you to know dear lord, that I am here to seek your forgiveness, for not acknowledging your hard work (in creating me), for not believing in your art (in myself). I want you to forgive me for all the curse words I use against your creation (me). I want you to forgive me for feeling sorry for you (me) being you (me)
You see it was never about you or me. It was never about you winning me or me winning you. It was always about us and our love. It was simply about the love and care for each other. And love’s like that, it smells like flowers, tastes like chocolate and looks like paintbrush painting the rainbow. It sometimes smells of sheets that were hung out to dry in the summer sun. It’s about making memories together. It’s about cherishing them. It’s about laughing at each other and on the inside jokes cracked in your personalised code. It’s about playing with each other. It’s about giving gifts and surprises for no reason at all. It’s about accepting and loving the other person just as they are. It’s about panelling through the storms life throws at you. It’s about choosing the other person every single time. Its about being on the same side of the game. It’s about being a team. It’s about we.
And I always wished the same. I thought we would make it all a dreamy reality. And despite of all the heart wrenching , heart stopping and heart teethering pain I got in return of my love, I don’t wish the same for you. Instead I wish for you the happiness that I dreamed of with you. I wish for your soul to stop being restless and settle down with the one. I wish for you the world in return.
This emptiness hurts but what’s more painful is my ability to remember each and everything in detail. On some days when i feel being eaten up or consumed whole by this loneliness of those silent moments, I revisit those memories we made together, to seek solace. But after reaching there I realise the *solace* I am searching does not live there anymore. It does not exist in those ruins. It is nowhere to be found.
And going back there makes me feel stuck, like I am glued to the place that now exists only in my memory.
The realisation of this reality is what’s more terrifying and it’s acceptance even more brutal. But I know this acceptance is important for me to bloom again, into the wildflower that I once used to be.
“We cling to our memories as if they define us but it is what we do that defines us.” – Ghost in the shell
It is one of my favorite quotes. When I first left the theatre after hearing this line, I struggled with this line for some time and no doubt I believe it has got paradoxical meaning and can put you in a quandary.
Like no doubt it is what we do that defines us. Our actions form our personality and they define what we are now. But they define our now, our present and I am a firm believer of the fact that our now depends on our then. The present is defined by our past. We take actions based on our experience and they are the ones that form our memories. It is like saying that our history never existed which infact does and is undeniable.
So I think our memories define us as much as our actions as they both are interdependent. But at the end those memories grow old and seem to fade and what’s left with us is just ‘what we can do’. And I guess that is where the quote is justified.