I heard him say it’s easier for some people to love a dog coz he is senseless and that is why it is difficult for them to love a person -so called human- who has some sense. I want to question him, “Have you experienced it, the kind of love you explain in your talks? Have you ever tried to exercise it yourself?” Lemme tell you I respect you from the bottom of my heart. I truly look up to you. But the kind of love you explain, I have never experienced it with people. Clearly, taking in consideration the fact that your words are true and it works exactly like that in the existing social structure – there can be only two possibilities; either I am defective or the people I meet. Let’s say I am defective with my extraterrestrial distorted DNA but still it doesn’t explain your stand that “kutta to hamesha range main rhta hai coz he is senseless.”
My question is, “If humans have more sense then shouldn’t they be more in range? Shouldn’t they be more adjusting of other people’s range?” The fact is human heart and mind are always in conflict and that leads to confusion and our this tendency to get confused easily leads to complications in our lives. A complex heart meeting another complex heart leads to a complicated relationship and this is the beauty of human relations.
But what’s more beautiful is a relationship with a dog or be it any other animal for that matter. They are simple hearted old souls. And their this ability balances the complexity of a human heart and I guess that explains why it is easier for some people to love a dog rather than a human.
This cheerful happy face is a veil that hides my real emotional self.
Pain taught me to write maybe that’s why I’m able to describe it so well. I believe paper is the most patient. It’s a friend like no other. You can write as much as you can, you can show them your inner self, you can expose your deepest wounds, you can share your greatest fear; basically you can do everything here that you don’t trust a human with. And you can do all this without any fear of being judged. Maybe that is the reason my ink flows better on these low days, because I write things that I feel I cannot share with anybody but my diary.
I remember the first time I wrote something was a letter to my mother , about how deeply hurt I was and how miserable I was feeling because of all the fiasco happening in my life at that point of time. But I could never muster the courage to give it to her. I kept it for a long time with me and at the end tore it apart. And I felt relieved when I burned those pieces, like a heavy weight was lifted.
That was when i realised, I probably would not be able to confide in anybody like I did in paper. And I didn’t write for a long time after that. But when I did again, it was the heartbreak. The kind of pain I felt for the first time. And I again did confide in paper because I believed nobody would understand.
So writing and painting has always been an escape for me, a parallel universe, a magical world free of all the evils and demons and wrong doings. A place where flowers bloom never to perish, where birds sing never to stop, where you feel everything embracing you with open heart, where you don’t feel like an outcast.
This is my safe haven.
I believe each one of us should have one(safe haven). Each one of us is passionate about something, something that makes you forget everything for a while. Recognize it. And if you think you don’t have any, your prime motto should be to find one. Find that way through your pain.
It’s winter outside but it’s spring within me – blooming spring that has left me longing for everything. The sun, it’s warmth, the clear blue sky, the soft breeze. I long to go out , to talk , to play , to laugh and be just happy without any regret at the back of my mind. I want to walk on the soft green grass decorated with diamonds of dews. I want to feel the softness of the ground beneath it. I want to dance in the rain. I long to have friends.
It’s like an awakening, like a rush of blood going through my whole body. I have been breathing through the cracks in the windows that I closed long ago. I long to breathe in fresh air. The air around me is stale, it’s sickening.
My heart is beating fast and I am utterly confused. I don’t know what to do. I feel as if I’m going to burst but I know crying will help. Oh god, above all I long for crying and let it all out.
I long to be free once again.
I am more than your thoughts. I am more than your opinions. I am more than your criticisms. I am more than your narrow judgements. I am more than the hate you give. I am more than your jealousy. I refuse to look down on myself because you don’t approve of me. I refuse to be scared by your judgements. And I refuse to bow down in front of your criticisms because I know I am more, I am better. I am growing. I am growing stronger. I go in all the difficult directions. I choose to walk on paths filled with uncertainty. I rise above my fears. I learn from my pain. I am learning to forgive, myself and others both. I take my own decisions. I choose things and people that make me feel a little more alive. I choose to do whatever the hell I want. This is my life and I choose to ignore you, now and forever after now.
Because I know I am more, I am better.
‘For in its innermost depths youth is lonelier than old age.’ I read this saying in some book and I’ve always remembered it, and found it to be true. Is it true then that grown-ups have a more difficult time here than we do? No. I know it isn’t. Older people have formed their opinions about everything, and don’t waver before they act. It’s twice as hard for us young ones to hold our ground, and maintain our opinions, in a time when all ideals are being shattered and destroyed, when people are showing their worst side, and do not know whether to believe in truth and right and God.
PS- an excerpt from ” The diary of a young girl ” by Anne Frank.
Sometimes when you are too close to things, It is hard to comprehend what is happening around you. In such situations step back a little and have a look at the larger picture or try to find a new, different perspective.
And sometimes death gives you a new perspective.
You don’t realise what you have been doing , why you have been doing unless you experience death in the most brutal manner and I believe that unpredictable and imminent death of who you were is necessary to lay the foundation stones of who you are and will be in the future.
Every time, every single time you feel you are not whole, that some of your parts are missing, that you lost them to somebody and that someday maybe somebody else will come back with those parts, looking for you to put those pieces back and make you whole ; just realise she’s watching you and taking care of you.
Just realise that you will never be alone for she will always be there for you. That she loves you for nothing and everything you are. That she is in relationship with you, have always been and will also always be. She is your only true love.
She is nobody but you yourself.