How can you hurt them
and not hurt yourself at the same time?
I don’t think the pain we inflict is ever intentional. Pain as I see it is always unintentional. Sometimes we hurt others in confusion or due to the conflicts within us and sometimes we hurt them coz we never truly understood them. And I don’t think all this can be avoided in any way. The more you try to avoid it the more inevitable it seems.
It’s absurd to have a restless conscious inside you. It’s weird to come to believe the fact that you put yourself in misery when you hurt them and then actually understand and experience their pain , not only in your mind or heart but also in your very core.
It’s like everytime you see them hurting because of you , you experience their pain drilling a hole in your soul. A hole , like a black hole that you know will continue to cease your existence until you try and undo the damage already done. This black hole seem to be consuming you in its strong gravitation. I cannot forgive myself if I find myself in such a condition. I feel hurting , when it happens , happens on both the sides. Some people just pretend to be numb and so it’s easier for them to inflict pain upon others.
My this virtue to empathize sometimes acts as a vice and puts me in a difficult position. For example, I find it difficult to say ‘NO’. I seem to don’t know how to do it. And well, we all know how important this single letter sentence is. Saying NO requires a little selfishness , but my selfless conscious makes me think all the other aspects and impacts of this NO and I do the otherwise.
This is one art I want to master desperately. It’s hereditary. Got this from my father. So I guess my this inability -to say NO when required- will take some time to go away. But well , I am working on it and I know I’ll eventually come around.