I feel you are privileged to get to choose your thoughts, to get to choose which things to recall and which memories to let go. Imagine to have to live with somebody else choosing your thoughts for you. Somebody else choosing for you which memories to recall and which to erase from your ghost.
You feel caged in a shell. You feel wingless, like you cannot let your imagination run wild , like you cannot think what you want.
There is this constant thunderous thumping at the back of my head reminding me of the same thing over and over again. I feel trapped in the moment you said , ‘I can’t get it going.’ I keep going back to the same moment, reliving it over and over again, experiencing the same excruciating pain again and again, just to remind myself I am still alive. I feel trapped in those memories darling – those memories of us.